happiness |

I’ve stated from the get-go of this series that joy is an inside job. People and circumstances can make us happy… temporarily. But we cannot rely on people and circumstances to keep us happy for the long haul.

And yet, healthy, authentic relationships are definitely a source of joy!

What is a healthy, authentic relationship? One way to determine what is healthy and authentic is to think about what it is not. Here are some symptoms of unhealthy relationships:

Tiptoeing on eggshells: You are always worried about what you say and do around this person because they are easily offended or upset.
High maintenance: This relationship is characterized by one person always NEEDING something or depending on the other to make them happy.
Volatile and/or abusive: One person is tightly wound feeling their emotions intensely and struggling to manage the extremes.
Co-dependent: Unhealthy, destructive habits or addictions are excused and rationalized in this friendship.
Fluctuating friend: This person is your friend on some days and not on others. You may only hear from them when they can benefit from you or your skills.
Two faced: Can we call this person a friend really? They talk about you to others and others to you.
Ear-tickler: This friendship is characterized by friends that only say what the other wants to hear or thinks they need to hear, whether it’s the truth or not.
Discontented: This relationship includes a friend who is just not happy, not with life, not with you. They want you to change, but no matter what you do, it’s never enough.
Narcissistic: This person is only a friend to themselves. There really is no one else of value in their world; life is all about them, their opinions, their stories, their ideas.

I’m sure you can think of a few other less-than-desirable-friend traits. There’s a very good chance that some of these descriptions made you think of some people in your life. Me too… I’m not saying cut them off, though you may need to distance yourself to find some health and joy in your life. It’s important to understand the value of boundaries in every relationship, but especially in ones that are not fulfilling. There’s a reason that some relationships are considered toxic; like a poison, they destroy parts of your heart and wellbeing. Those relationships will feel empty and leave you hungering for deeper more fulfilling relationships.

So, what IS a healthy, authentic relationship? One that reflects these traits:

Encouraging and uplifting
Honest, even when it hurts
Fulfilling for both friends
Open to constructive criticism
Life-giving instead of draining
Puts the needs of the other above their own
Equal give and take on multiple levels (conversation, paying for coffee, sharing skillsets)
Relationship trumps being right: Agree to disagree respectfully
Spiritually and mentally stimulating

Those types of friends are more challenging to find, but they’re out there! Keep looking! On the journey to establish these life-giving relationships, you will take some detours and hit a few potholes, but when you find them, you will know blessing!

Participating in mutually healthy relationships and experiencing the blessing of authenticity is a pathway to joy! You get to be the real you and loved for it! Your friend gets to be real too and you love them for it! You are able to share your thoughts, ideas, opinions, and dreams in a safe place and so does your cohort! When you start to veer of the path in one way or another, your friend gently steers you right and you do the same with their best interests in mind.

These friendships are truly an incredible source of joy!

Here are some words of wisdom on friends:
“The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.” Proverbs 12:26

“A man who has friends must himself be friendly” Proverbs 18:24a

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” Proverbs 27:6

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

“Do not be deceived: ‘Evil company corrupts good habits.'” I Corinthians 15:33

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion…. If one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him.” Ecclesiastes 4:9,10,12a

My prayer for you today is that you already have some quality relationships in your life. Grow them! Invest in them! However, if you are lacking the healthy, authentic relationships described above, I pray that you will ask the Lord to lead you to people who will bring life to you and vice versa.

Note: Healthy relationships are often hard to establish if you are functioning out of woundedness. When we’ve experienced pain, betrayal, or warped friendships, we tend to put up walls to protect our hearts. The result is that we isolate ourselves in an effort to avoid pain. Though understandable, this is unhealthy and will make establishing healthy relationships difficult. If you find yourself in this place, I encourage you to do two things: Seek counseling that promotes healing AND think of one trustworthy person in your life and purposely be the kind of friend you need. Both of these actions will lay a foundation for authentic, healthy friendships that will be a source of joy!

Live Loved,

joy: /joi/ noun meaning a sense of well-being or contentment, a source of delight

Have you ever wondered about the difference between joy and happiness? If so, you are not alone! A perusal of dictionary definitions shows that wordsmiths are confused as well. As a lover of name meanings, you can imagine that I have taken some time to explore my life-long label of joy!

Happiness is not the equivalent of joy. In fact, you can be very happy but lack joy and you can have joy and not feel happy! Trust me… I’ll explain, it’s more than just semantics!

Happiness is dependent on your circumstances, what is happening around you and to you. When you receive a gift you wanted, or your child earns a high grade, or your boss gives you a promotion… you feel happy! That happiness will last as long as your circumstances allow it. Happiness can be stolen by a turn of events: that gift you wanted is broken, your child drops out of school, the new promotion is in another state. Often, we fall into the trap of seeking out people, objects, and experiences that will make us happy… and they often do! But happiness is temporary, leaving us hungry for the next thing to make us feel good again.

The search for joy disguised as happiness has led to failed marriages, strangling debt, overindulgence, and addiction. When we realize that what we thought would bring us joy only brings temporary happiness, we abandon the current process emotionally (mentally checking out of the relationship), physically (leaving the situation), or spiritually (giving up on a faith process).

Conversely, joy is independent of your circumstances. It is a sense of well-being and peace that comes from within. Joy is an underlying sense that no matter what, we will be okay, more than that, we will thrive! Simply put, joy is an inside job! Don’t get me wrong, life throws some serious curve balls! There will be times that you don’t FEEL the joy. There will be times you don’t even want to search for it! BUT! Authentic joy, though rocked by our circumstances, will not be uprooted! Understanding how to find, embrace, experience and sustain joy is intrinsically tied to physical, emotional, and spiritual health. In other words, establishing pathways to joy is so worth it!

I invite your to join me as I explore pathways to joy! Together, we will explore Scripture, discuss practical habits, and identify joy-stealers. I’m a firm believer that ignorance and knowledge are hereditary! What you choose to learn and embrace, you will pass along to your children and your children’s children. Let’s be purposeful about developing a depth of joy that we can share with the precious ones in our lives!

Live Loved,

Tag Archives: happiness

Pathways to Joy: Authentic Relationship

Pathways to Joy: Identifying Joy