I’ve stated from the get-go of this series that joy is an inside job. People and circumstances can make us happy… temporarily. But we cannot rely on people and circumstances to keep us happy for the long haul.
And yet, healthy, authentic relationships are definitely a source of joy!
What is a healthy, authentic relationship? One way to determine what is healthy and authentic is to think about what it is not. Here are some symptoms of unhealthy relationships:
- Tiptoeing on eggshells: You are always worried about what you say and do around this person because they are easily offended or upset.
- High maintenance: This relationship is characterized by one person always NEEDING something or depending on the other to make them happy.
- Volatile and/or abusive: One person is tightly wound feeling their emotions intensely and struggling to manage the extremes.
- Co-dependent: Unhealthy, destructive habits or addictions are excused and rationalized in this friendship.
- Fluctuating friend: This person is your friend on some days and not on others. You may only hear from them when they can benefit from you or your skills.
- Two faced: Can we call this person a friend really? They talk about you to others and others to you.
- Ear-tickler: This friendship is characterized by friends that only say what the other wants to hear or thinks they need to hear, whether it’s the truth or not.
- Discontented: This relationship includes a friend who is just not happy, not with life, not with you. They want you to change, but no matter what you do, it’s never enough.
- Narcissistic: This person is only a friend to themselves. There really is no one else of value in their world; life is all about them, their opinions, their stories, their ideas.
I’m sure you can think of a few other less-than-desirable-friend traits. There’s a very good chance that some of these descriptions made you think of some people in your life. Me too… I’m not saying cut them off, though you may need to distance yourself to find some health and joy in your life. It’s important to understand the value of boundaries in every relationship, but especially in ones that are not fulfilling. There’s a reason that some relationships are considered toxic; like a poison, they destroy parts of your heart and wellbeing. Those relationships will feel empty and leave you hungering for deeper more fulfilling relationships.
So, what IS a healthy, authentic relationship? One that reflects these traits:
- Encouraging and uplifting
- Honest, even when it hurts
- Fulfilling for both friends
- Open to constructive criticism
- Life-giving instead of draining
- Puts the needs of the other above their own
- Equal give and take on multiple levels (conversation, paying for coffee, sharing skillsets)
- Relationship trumps being right: Agree to disagree respectfully
- Spiritually and mentally stimulating
Those types of friends are more challenging to find, but they’re out there! Keep looking! On the journey to establish these life-giving relationships, you will take some detours and hit a few potholes, but when you find them, you will know blessing!
Participating in mutually healthy relationships and experiencing the blessing of authenticity is a pathway to joy! You get to be the real you and loved for it! Your friend gets to be real too and you love them for it! You are able to share your thoughts, ideas, opinions, and dreams in a safe place and so does your cohort! When you start to veer of the path in one way or another, your friend gently steers you right and you do the same with their best interests in mind.
These friendships are truly an incredible source of joy!
Here are some words of wisdom on friends:
“The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.” Proverbs 12:26
“A man who has friends must himself be friendly” Proverbs 18:24a
“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” Proverbs 27:6
“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
“Do not be deceived: ‘Evil company corrupts good habits.'” I Corinthians 15:33
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion…. If one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him.” Ecclesiastes 4:9,10,12a
My prayer for you today is that you already have some quality relationships in your life. Grow them! Invest in them! However, if you are lacking the healthy, authentic relationships described above, I pray that you will ask the Lord to lead you to people who will bring life to you and vice versa.
Note: Healthy relationships are often hard to establish if you are functioning out of woundedness. When we’ve experienced pain, betrayal, or warped friendships, we tend to put up walls to protect our hearts. The result is that we isolate ourselves in an effort to avoid pain. Though understandable, this is unhealthy and will make establishing healthy relationships difficult. If you find yourself in this place, I encourage you to do two things: Seek counseling that promotes healing AND think of one trustworthy person in your life and purposely be the kind of friend you need. Both of these actions will lay a foundation for authentic, healthy friendships that will be a source of joy!
Live Loved,
