Relationships… they can be a tremendous blessing or a massive challenge. Sometimes, they are both!
This Sunday, my pastor taught on “How to Get Along with People1.” He focused on three fundamental components needed to get along with others within our homes, workplaces, and even long distance: Respect, Humility, and Communication.
This three components are not mutually exclusive. You cannot have respect without authentic humility; you cannot have open communication without respect; and humility is required for true communication! As I processed the teaching and Scriptures2 we focused on, I was challenged to examine various relationships and to be purposeful about making some adjustments! Here are a few of the thoughts that rose in my spirit…
Relationship is the heartbeat of the Father, not just our relationship with Him, but also our relationships with others.
I find that I’m not that different than most Americans, when we communicate with others, we are comfortable declaring our thoughts and opinions to all who will listen. But the minute that others express differing opinions, we lift invisible fingers to plug our ears. How we handle this common dilemma varies depending on our level of respect and humility.
As believers, we are more prone to err in the area of humility. Pastor Eric outlined three components of humility: quietness, speaking the truth in love, and strength demonstrated through patience. I’d like to add two more components of humility: being willing to admit when we are wrong and maintaining a teachable heart. Because we have the mind of Christ, our tendency is to believe that our thinking is correct… correct in spiritual matters, personal matters, financial matters, and political matters. But humility will help us remember that perfect revelation and understanding is not available this side of Heaven. We are learning, growing, applying, and maturing each and every day, if we maintain a teachable heart!
If you are struggling in personal or professional relationships, please take some time to listen to Pastor Eric Lehmann’s teaching. I know it will encourage (and challenge) you!
2Scripture references: Ephesians 5:21, Romans 13:1, Matthew 7:1-2, Romans 14:13, Luke 6:27,31, Mark 12:31, I Thessalonians 4:11-12, Ephesians 4:15, I Corinthians 13:4, James 1:19-20, Proverbs 15:1, 16:15, Romans 12:10, Philippians 4:13, I Corinthians 2:16
I’ve stated from the get-go of this series that joy is an inside job. People and circumstances can make us happy… temporarily. But we cannot rely on people and circumstances to keep us happy for the long haul.
And yet, healthy, authentic relationships are definitely a source of joy!
What is a healthy, authentic relationship? One way to determine what is healthy and authentic is to think about what it is not. Here are some symptoms of unhealthy relationships:
Tiptoeing on eggshells: You are always worried about what you say and do around this person because they are easily offended or upset.
High maintenance: This relationship is characterized by one person always NEEDING something or depending on the other to make them happy.
Volatile and/or abusive: One person is tightly wound feeling their emotions intensely and struggling to manage the extremes.
Co-dependent: Unhealthy, destructive habits or addictions are excused and rationalized in this friendship.
Fluctuating friend: This person is your friend on some days and not on others. You may only hear from them when they can benefit from you or your skills.
Two faced: Can we call this person a friend really? They talk about you to others and others to you.
Ear-tickler: This friendship is characterized by friends that only say what the other wants to hear or thinks they need to hear, whether it’s the truth or not.
Discontented: This relationship includes a friend who is just not happy, not with life, not with you. They want you to change, but no matter what you do, it’s never enough.
Narcissistic: This person is only a friend to themselves. There really is no one else of value in their world; life is all about them, their opinions, their stories, their ideas.
I’m sure you can think of a few other less-than-desirable-friend traits. There’s a very good chance that some of these descriptions made you think of some people in your life. Me too… I’m not saying cut them off, though you may need to distance yourself to find some health and joy in your life. It’s important to understand the value of boundaries in every relationship, but especially in ones that are not fulfilling. There’s a reason that some relationships are considered toxic; like a poison, they destroy parts of your heart and wellbeing. Those relationships will feel empty and leave you hungering for deeper more fulfilling relationships.
So, what IS a healthy, authentic relationship? One that reflects these traits:
Encouraging and uplifting
Honest, even when it hurts
Fulfilling for both friends
Open to constructive criticism
Life-giving instead of draining
Puts the needs of the other above their own
Equal give and take on multiple levels (conversation, paying for coffee, sharing skillsets)
Relationship trumps being right: Agree to disagree respectfully
Spiritually and mentally stimulating
Those types of friends are more challenging to find, but they’re out there! Keep looking! On the journey to establish these life-giving relationships, you will take some detours and hit a few potholes, but when you find them, you will know blessing!
Participating in mutually healthy relationships and experiencing the blessing of authenticity is a pathway to joy! You get to be the real you and loved for it! Your friend gets to be real too and you love them for it! You are able to share your thoughts, ideas, opinions, and dreams in a safe place and so does your cohort! When you start to veer of the path in one way or another, your friend gently steers you right and you do the same with their best interests in mind.
These friendships are truly an incredible source of joy!
Here are some words of wisdom on friends: “The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.” Proverbs 12:26
“A man who has friends must himself be friendly” Proverbs 18:24a
“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” Proverbs 27:6
“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
“Do not be deceived: ‘Evil company corrupts good habits.'” I Corinthians 15:33
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion…. If one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him.” Ecclesiastes 4:9,10,12a
My prayer for you today is that you already have some quality relationships in your life. Grow them! Invest in them! However, if you are lacking the healthy, authentic relationships described above, I pray that you will ask the Lord to lead you to people who will bring life to you and vice versa.
Note: Healthy relationships are often hard to establish if you are functioning out of woundedness. When we’ve experienced pain, betrayal, or warped friendships, we tend to put up walls to protect our hearts. The result is that we isolate ourselves in an effort to avoid pain. Though understandable, this is unhealthy and will make establishing healthy relationships difficult. If you find yourself in this place, I encourage you to do two things: Seek counseling that promotes healing AND think of one trustworthy person in your life and purposely be the kind of friend you need. Both of these actions will lay a foundation for authentic, healthy friendships that will be a source of joy!
Here we are, about to tie up week 5 of our school year; how fast time goes! This year, I transitioned from 3rd grade to 5th and I don’t mind admitting that 5th grade is kicking my butt! I feel a bit like a puppy frantically swimming just to keep her nose above the waterline. But paddle, I will!
I refuse to get swept away! Each year of teaching gets progressively more challenging and more exhausting. Yet, I see myself grow as an educator and as a person. How do I make it through each challenging day? Probably the same way you do… with help and encouragement and it’s time to celebrate the people who are there for us!They are the ones who listen to our frustrations. They help us hash out our ideas. They cry with us when we are discouraged. They shout with us when we succeed. They bolster our flagging confidence when the swells of challenge seem greater than the swells of courage.
Who is your tribe? Who is it that stops you from “jumping ship” and reminds you of all the gold that’s inside of you? They are your tribe! I’m so thankful for the amazing people God has placed in my life!
I live with my tribe, work with my tribe, play with my tribe, worship with my tribe! Those people are not all the same people, though there is much overlap.
I have purposed to seek out people that encourage me and demonstrate character traits I want to grow in my life. My tribe also includes people that challenge me and refuse to let me run and hide when life throws me a curve ball.
These are not your acquaintances or your fair-weather peeps. Not all your friends are tribe members. Your tribe members are those who have the authority and privilege of speaking into your life. True tribe members must be purposefully chosen.
My tribe includes people who are:
Trustworthy-positive, committed, loyal
Real-authentically themselves and expect the same from me
Invested-willing to invest in my life and allow me to invest in theirs
Bettering-share in a reciprocal commitment to bettering one another’s lives
Encouraging-engages in our relationship by speaking life-giving words
As a parent, it blesses my heart to say that my adult children are part of my tribe. My husband is a vital member and our moms are included as well. I have incredible co-workers, family members, and friends that are tribe members too! Today, I celebrate their amazingness! I need them and I hope they need me!
Think about your life… do you feel positive about your tribe? Do you know who you can call on when life knocks you down? Build your tribe! Be part of someone else’s tribe! Link arms with those who are trustworthy, real, invested, bettering, and encouraging! The sun shines so much brighter when reflected by those around you.
